Rant 101: One-sided friendship

I've thought of this for a long time already. Why is it so difficult for me to find a genuine friend? Don't I deserve one? Why do people take advantage of my kindness and generosity? Sa t'wing tutulong ako lalo na pag pera palagi akong hindi nababayaran. Is this the way friendship works? Why do I end up with people who always forget to pay me? Is it my fault because I fail to ask or remind them? Is it my responsibility to remind them about their debt? Or am I not supposed to ask them because we're friends? Tapos pag ako yung nangailangan parang isang daang taon pa bago ka tulungan. Sasabihan kang tutulungan ka pero papaasahin ka lang sa wala. Yung kaibigang hanggang salita lang, puro salita lang. Tapos magkukunwaring nakalimutan o sasabihing nakalimutan. Ba't ako hindi ako nakakalimot? Pag kailangan yung tulong ko kahit may ginagawa ako ititigil ko para lang matulungan yung kaibigan ko. Ba't ganun? Ba't ang unfair ng buhay. Ba't palagi ako yung nagbibigay? Ba't pag ako yung nangutang hindi ko nakakalimutang magbayad? Ba't di ko hinihintay na paalalahanan pa ako? Ba't sa t'wing may meet-up ako palagi yung naghihintay? Ako lagi yung pinaghihintay? Kasalanan ko ba dahil maaga akong dumating o kasalanan ng kaibigan ko dahil sobrang bagal at wala ng pakialam kung may naghihintay sa kanya? Don't I deserve a friend like me?

This is the reason why I don't refer to any of my friends as my best friend. It's really difficult to find one. I value friendship that's why it's difficult for me to find a friend whom I can really trust 100%. I don't know if I'll get the chance to find that person. The kind of person who can value me as much as I value him/her. The kind of person who would listen to me the way I listen to him/her. The kind of person who would go out of their way to help me the way I exert effort to help them. I always end up to be that person who always helps, who's always there for people, who lends money but never gets paid, the person who would help you in just a snap especially when I know I can help right away and you badly need me.

Ako lang ba? Am I the only one who goes through this unfortunate situation? Have you experienced this too? If so, I want to let you know that you're not alone because I'm here. I share your sentiments, I can relate. I'm done. I'm done looking for that genuine friendship. Whoever friends I have I will just treat them the way they treat me, so I don't end up disappointing myself.

#friendship #onesidedfriendship